How to befriend a nervous or scared cat

Updated 15/11/2024

Ever heard of the phrase ‘scardy cat’? Well, no smoke without fire! It’s not uncommon to encounter a scared cat, even when all you want to offer is your friendship. Despite their cautious body language, there are ways to win around a shy cat.

So, how to gain the trust of a cat that’s nervous? First, let’s look a bit more into what a nervous cat looks like, answer ‘why are cats so skittish’, and learn how to become the best furry friends with a feline who might need some extra social support.

Signs of a nervous or scared cat

Some of these signs of a scared cat may seem a tad obvious, but it’s good to know the basics, don’t you think? A nervous cat will usually:

• Hide or run away
• Have dilated pupils
• Excessively swallow and lick their lips
• Growl or hiss
• Keep their tail low to the ground and puffed up
• Their ears may be flat
• Refuse to eat or drink
• Go to the bathroom outside their litter box
• Be very jumpy, easily startled

There’s no need to take this behavior purr-sonally, many cats are naturally nervous. Actually, why are cats so skittish?

Why are cats so skittish?

Cats are naturally cautious creatures, so they can appear more on edge than other pets, like dogs. Even the most confident cat can be easily spooked by a loud noise or sudden movement. Back when they were wild, cats were not only predators but also prey - they needed to be on guard as much as they were on the hunt.

Kitties also have incredibly sensitive hearing, in fact, they can hear 14 times better than us humans. That means every sound we hear is amplified by 14 times the volume for them. Well, you’d be pretty jumpy too if a sneeze sounded like a fog horn!

Tips on how to befriend a scared cat

Let them come to you

The first rule of human-cat communication: The cat is in charge. Always. No interaction can begin with a cat unless they make the first move. Cats need to feel as if they’re in control to become relaxed and comfortable in a situation. If you go in, guns blazing, desperately trying to pet them without understanding their body language, you’re going to make a bad first impression. If you’re approaching a nervous cat, let them see you but don’t crowd them. Once they’ve had a good look at you, they’ll decide whether or not to approach.

Offer your hand for sniffs first

Like dogs, cats rely heavily on their amazing sense of smell. During friendly cat-to-cat meetings, they’ll first sniff each other's noses, faces, and, yes, also their butts. If a scared cat begins to approach you, hold out your hand at their level and let them sniff it. They may also sniff up your arms and around your feet too, and that’s completely normal (again, don’t take it personally). Stay still and quiet, without making any sudden movements that might frighten them away. If this security test has gone well, they may then rub their face or head bump your hand.

Slow blink at them

Eye contact is a big deal in the cat world. Felines use it to determine friend from foe, size up the competition, and establish dominance in a clowder (group of cats) or colony. During the hand sniffing stage, try to avoid direct eye contact with your soon-to-be furry friend as this can be seen as a sign of intimidation.

However, if you’ve received a head stroke and have begun to initiate head scratches, another way to relax a shy cat is to slowly blink. In cat language, this is a way of letting them know you want to be friends, you’re not a threat, and you like their company. Some will even slow blink back!

Move slowly and talk calmly

Cats reciprocate to zen-like atmospheres. A calm cat is a happy cat, so it’s important to keep your voice mellow and quiet, move slowly, and make sure the cat can predict what you’re going to do. To be honest, this sounds like a pretty good life lesson for us humans too!

Initiate play with them

Play is a great tool for bonding with cats. They use it as a form of communication between one another and it can also be a fun way to build your furry friendship foundations. It doesn’t require any physical touching and can help a cat to adjust to an unnerving or new environment.

Do not touch the tummy!

This is a rookie mistake many wannabe feline friends make and it can instantly undo all your good work. So, you’ve followed the suggestions above, you’ve been allowed to start head scratches, their purr motor has been activated, and you’re both having a great time. But then, they throw a curveball at you - they flop onto their side and roll onto their belly. Yes, it is magnificent BUT you must resist it!

When a cat shows you their belly, it is a huge cat compliment. They’re displaying the most vulnerable part of themselves to you, showing you they feel comfortable and safe. Amazing! But many cats are very sensitive and ticklish on their tummies, so to go straight for belly rubs can be interpreted as a betrayal of trust. To save your new friendship (and your hand from injury), always resist tummy strokes.

Meet our veterinary expert, Holly

This article has been checked by veterinarian Holly Anne Hills BVM BVS BVMedSci. After graduating from the University of Nottingham, Holly spent two years working as a farm animal vet. She then spent some time traveling and volunteering in India, working at neutering clinics and with injured street dogs. Holly now works in small animal practice, and balances this with writing, volunteering with the comms team at Vet Sustain, and she is also a marine mammal medic!

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